Hey, I'm taking no responsibility on this one!! Just cos I was the one that did it means nothing. Nothing I tell you. Yeah, ok. How do I worm my way out of this one. Well see it was like this. Dai Lo were playing the Vic in Derby. So were Hangnail. And then I found out that Huge Baby were as well. Which kind of didn't mean an awful lot. I'd seen them supporting Napalm Death ooh probably a year ago or more at Rock City. Or at least I'd caught about the last song. I'd heard they'd got a new vocalist, still not realised an album, and knew very little about them. But Dan was on about them with drool dribbling from the mouth, and on about maybe doing an interview with them. We'll see.

So anyway, I went along they played and were quite honestly awesome. Most people that night were at the Voodoo Glow Skulls gig at the Future club, but it was their loss. So anyway, after such a display, I'm thinking, aye, an interview would be a good idea. You know, be able to claim with all dishonesty that I was there "from the start". But there's a problem. I've got about a grand total of zero questions to ask. Which means a few things. One is the reliance on those good old bog standard interview questions. Which means it's going to be boring as hell. The other of course is that I will have to rely on my natural social skills, cutting edge wit, ability to think on the spot and engage people in pointless but meaningful conversation that they really are interested in ... honest. Which means it's going to be the worlds worst interview as well as being boring as hell. But it's your duty to read it anyway. If you don't, well if you don't you can never ever complain about to me about the cost of this zine being oo much. Why? Cos well you're only entitled to complain if you read the entire thing. From cover to cover. Them's the rules. Obvious really innit. You can't complain about the lack of stuff for your money if you don't read all the stuff provided. So get on with it then, and so will I.

There, just bought me a good sized portion of the page with a meaningless intro. Some things I am pretty good at. Shame it ain't interviews! Anyway, the stars of the show are sat here, and it's about time we got started with it. If anyone can think of any questions for me to ask, shout 'em out and let me know. I'm going to need them. It's noisy in here.

Testing one two one two two two ... two. It's the soundcheck and also one of the most conversational moments of the whole interview. And there go Dai Lo, saying cheers and buggering off. Should we start? Yeah, I know, but I'm waiting for the tape to get to the right place. Ah, here we are, and your starter for 10 is:

So, tell us something about the history of the band.

Bassist Az takes things up in the first instance. "History, of the band? We was rocking, and then we fucked up and hit like a wall and then Paul came in. He came on to the scene in a little basket and we opened the door ... and I said 'can I have some food' cos I was a little hungry, "so we let him in 'din we?" yeah, we let him in, he had a little sign around his neck confirms guitarist Kay look after him, teach him the ways. And that was it. "And that was it. We start to rock again. Paul, what's your history mate?" I can't go into that mate. It's a bit dodgy joins in drummer ? It's very dark. It's a good history, I've been in about 4 bands in local pubs and what, complete shit. So joined Huge Baby, cos they're pretty cool. "And then he just moved down to London." And then we just rocked out. "QPR's in there somewhere. Paul's dad used to play for QPR." Yeah, the old geezer used to play for QPR. "Back in the 70s."

I think that's something that you don't really want to reveal on tape for the unsuspecting world.

Oh, I was born the day Elvis died, uh, two one two one two. And he's only got three records. Tell him the three records that you've got. The Doors Greatest Hits. On tape. Pink Floyd The Wall. The Divison Bell's alright, but The Wall's the best. Nirvana - Bleach and Nevermind. Ok, so that's possibly more than 3 and possibly incorrect. We're going to give him loads of records, but what are we going to give him? But a man's got to have his focus, you can't give him too much information protests the vocalist. He'll get confused. We'll give him a radio. Is giving anyone in Britain a radio a good idea? Classic FM, melody FM, you've got it all there man, we're here just for you man, just for you. Not just for me. Not just for you for everybody. "What's your next question then Dave?"

Ok, I saw you last year I think it was supporting Napalm Death. "Yeah, I remember that one" Down at Rock City I think it was. "Rock City" Nottingham Redneck City? "We got some racial abuse on that day, nah sorry, that was Glasgow." I think I only saw the last two songs. But anyway, there'd been this thing going on about your name, with Organ seemingly going on about you for a good few years now, so are you going to release an album?

Many albums have been recorded, but none have ever been released Kay explains about their perhaps somewhat different approach to the concept of the album and selling your music. It's just the business. We're going to release one with Paul. "It'll be a cool album". A massive selling album. We'll wait until we get it the way we want it, and then it'll be out. "But it won't be too long will it. A couple of months in the studios and you've got an album done." Whatever they classify as the minimum to be an album. One side. Four songs. Is that an album? "That's a single man" Not if your Napalm Death, 6 songs, mini-album. We've had our problems with bands we keep blowing them off the stage. And so few bands take us out. But Danny set us up with Napalm, cos he's got the balls to do that, because no-one else would do that. And now we're a different band, a better band.

So how did it go then?

Napalm went well. Besides the sodomy it went very well reckons Kay as Dan almost chokes on his drink. Sorry, pipes up the man Dan, but the idea of Shane sodomising anyone is just ....there was on the bus, it was like San Quentin on wheels, you know that tour bus San Quentin, then get in the showers. At this point it just feels safer to nod your head, grin and say yeah. Not to the sodomy, just the entire conversation.

Er, yeah. How do you follow that? You can't. Ask the man with the brains he looks at Dan. Paul, how do you think the show went today? Kay does my job for me. The show was fucking brilliant. And what do you say to the public. We're coming out, we'll be seeing you soon, and just enjoy it. Looking forward to it. Enjoy it all. I just want to do a stage dive, but there's never enough people to do a stage dive. Nottingham issues forth from the mouth of Dan. Nottingham, is that a promise asks Paul. I'll stand there and catch you if I have to lies Dan. It's safe to say that because they played Nottingham after this gig, not immediately after you understand, and I was there and I watched it and Paul didn't dive and Dan didn't catch him. Possibly on the basis that he didn't dive. Possibly of course because this hadn't been typed up by that time and so it was all forgotten!

So how does it feel then in that you say you want to stage dive, but you play places like this and there's zero people and zero atmosphere?

So Kay, is the throwing the guitar around and standing on it on the concrete a regular kind of thing.

But then to jump up and down on it. Don't you think "uh, I shouldn't have done that"?

Do you think that's been lost in recent years with all the political bands?

I think weakness and cowardice has destroyed music. "People aren't willing to lay it on the line and take a chance" reckons the bassist amidst the din of everyone kind of agreeing all at the same time. Which is really nice but don't have make it difficult to be able to attribute something to someone when you're listening to the tape playing back. A lot of stuff that's come out of America, claiming they're musicians, claiming they're in a band. You couldn't be in a fucking band, they're fucking shit. What is a band? It's a fucking scam. We truly believe what we do. "We're not trying to just be a band, that is our life. We don't want to do nothing else, we're not interested. This is what we have to do." We sold our houses about five years ago when we took Skunk Anansie out on the road with us. They were supporting us. We toured all over England, then played Pheonix. And we weren't getting too involved with the business, we were just doing fucked up things. But now we've just got to be sensible and just do the job at hand. Something profound was quite possibly said next, but all I've really got on tape is the sniggering tones of Dan. Which isn't exactly helpful!

So what do you think of Jerry Springer.

Do you think the UK version is as entertaining as the American?

Nah, I think the American version is better. Do you think it's that the British are just too reserved? Yeah. We'll sort that out with the band.

So what would the theme of a Jerry Springer show devoted to Huge Baby be then?

"The path out of poverty" reckons bassist ?. How we just want to do this and don't give a fuck about anything else. Yeahhhhh. Would a show on the path out of poverty be exciting enough? "It could be exciting, cos we can't say no about giving out crack and whatever on there. You can't be too honest about growing up in fucking ghettos and crack regions. Jerry would like that." Is that what you want, The Crack Days. It's not what I want. And at this stage the conversation splits once more into about 4 different strands, which again makes it pretty much impossible to follow anything.

I bet you really regret doing this now don't you? Jas the drummer asks me. Well, something will come out of it I assure him. Now I never said it would be any good though!

So what are the future plans?

Ah, this is going nowhere fast. Time to drag out some of the crucial questions. Life affirming questions. Is Chris Evans and Geri Halliwell a good match?

"No it's a bad match" reckons Az, while Matt is a little more scathing, people in this world get what they deserve mate. Of course the very next day after this interview, the press announce that it's all off. Not the interview, the ginger vs ginger saga. But hey, it was topical when asked. "Dave mate, that's just fascisim you know what I'm saying, that's just fascist propaganda." What Chris Evans and Geri? "Yeah, Chris Evans he's a fascist. Geri she's a fascist." Chris Evans and Jerry Springer are both fascists. "Nah, Jerry Springer I've got a bit of respect for that man. He seems to hold himself with a bit of dignity."

The other important question then of course, is should the women in Steps be paid the same as the blokes?

"Yeah, they should be paid more, because that's what people are buying. They should be paid more than those two geezers." Those two geezers shouldn't be paid at all is the controversial, but completely correct opinion of Dan. I mean come on, like you can hear them on the records. Not that I'd know. I've only been a victim of seeing them whenever I turn on the TV these days or so it seems. "Sex sells". Dunno, you tell us. Everyone's got to be paid Dave. No, no no they don't. Everyone's bought Playboy before ain't they reckons Paul. Nah that was for Razzle mate, 55p cheaper. The secrets are pouring out now. Yeah, that was Dan that said that. No it wasn't, it was Kay. Me thinks they doth protest too much as the saying goes. We'll see who said it when I play it back. Nah, let's not. Yeah, the proof is in the pudding. It's all bollocks Dave, Dave it's all bollocks, you know what I'm saying. Yeh man, I know what you're saying, I just don't know if I understand it all.

Any other questions anyone can think of?

Who do you reckons good for the premiership then, c'mon. asks Dan with a late attempt at a goalline clearance. Ah you know who's going to win that don't ya reckons the drummer. But I personally think Liverpool need another season before they have a realistic chance. Well it ain't going to be fucking West Ham is it. At this stage various cries of Arsenal, and it ain't going to be Arsenal, it's going to be Man U again echo around the table. In amidst the other half dozen conversations that seem to be going on. But I wouldn't like to say exactly who said what, for fear of starting a fight! You know how sensitive things can becoming when attributing things related to football! Well it ain't going to be West Ham."West Ham are going to take it right down to the wire, and they're going to win the FA Cup and make it a double." says the bassist, making you think he's maybe had a double too many and affected his common sense and reasoning. We'll not repeat some of the things that were subsequently said.

There's some bollocks being talked now, so it's time to try and get something sensible, deep, life changing and thought provoking to finish things off with.

Come on, end of interview statement encourages Dan. Everyone's got to make one. "I love everybody." Kay, Kay, you've got to do one. Merry Christmas he says, which is more apt than you may think, cos it's actually Christmas Day as I'm typing this, cos let's face it, there's fuck all on the telly at the moment, and I'm bored in Wales. Az, and do say something sensible. "But I can't saying anything sensible." Try. "I've said enough."No, I'm sure there's a statement there gagging to be made. "It's just good to be clean and to be alive." It's good to be in Derby.Yeah it was a good gig, it went alright reckons Paul, and it's at that point that things really should come to an end. And so they do.

So there it is. Another interview for you to hold up to my face when I starting going on about the quality of the mainstream magazines interviews. You could've at least shouted those questions to me when I was struggling instead of just watching with bemused grins on your faces Yes, it's you I'm talking to Mr Reader. Ah well. As with all things this zine tries to deal with, the most important thing isn't the bollocks I write, it's the music, and Huge Babys music is well worth your time and attention. Certainly more than this interview was worth, so if you've got through this my thanks, now try the music and the live experience. It'll more than make up for it, I promise you. And if you can think of some stuff to ask to get a decent interview, give us a shout would you?

Talking of idiots, which I was at some point, I saw Earthone9 at Dudley a while back. Wanna hear ‘bout it? Good, cos I was going to tell you anyway.

Every time I've seen them play thus far, they open up with some feedback. And so, as the first strains emerge from the speakers, I figure it's time for the earplugs (cos trust me, it's the feedback that will kill you if you suffer tinitus). But anyway, it starts up. And so DJ plays Rage Against The Bloody Machine. And then Zakk Wylde. Nice one mate. Band - on stage. You reckon there's any link between those two? Just planting a thought for you. The band sit down.

Then, towards the end of the set, there's a signal. There's 5 minutes left. There's a quick conversation amongst the band. Zechariah Rush is dropped due to lack of time, and Simon Says closes things. In my album review I said it somewhat paled against the rest of the material. Live I might have to rethink that judgement. It ends in feedback, the band leave one by one walking through the crowd. Each and every one of them is gulping in the air. Our DJ returns. "Give it up for Earthtone9 if you want them to come back .... More than that ..... Apparently you're not good enough so they're not coming back.....". Of course by now they're probably half way across the cavernous upstairs venue on their way to the dressing room. They don't know about this. So why, Mr DJ, did you delay the start of the set and curtail the end of it if they were to be allowed more time. They drop 2 songs from the set. Excellent. The world is full of idiots. (Walks away whistling "hang the dj hang the dj....")