Alright mate, c’mon in and make yourself at home. Mind your head.... oh, and watch the step as well. Sorry, should’ve warned you about that. And mind the dog. Get down shep.

Well, it’s been a bit of a bastard this one, and that leads in quite nicely to the usual whingeathon that opens proceedings.

Really has been ups and downs. Started off as normal. Then I realised that because of the delay with getting the last issue out due to the CD, I had a shitload of stuff. Loads of interviews and whatever. I’d planned on doing a feature on Nottingham bands, but that’s sort of temporarily postponed, because I already had a lot of interviews that would’ve got pushed back further. But there’ll be features on quite a few soon methinks. Then I realised 52 pages wasn’t going to be enough. So it went to 56. That ran out quickly, so it went to 72. Finally I settled on 80. And that still doesn’t account for anything like all the gigs I’ve seen in that time. The reviews in here are just a selection of the gigs. Yeah, I know that’s a relief to you. Trust me, that’s a shitload of work in doing 80 pages. Don’t expect it next time. Though of course it might happen. Who knows. I don’t. And I think I’ve probably been a bit of a right wanker in places in here, and showing a bit too much attitude and ego. I’d also planned on this one going back to being free after asking people to pay 3 quid for the last issue with the CD. But I’m afraid there’s absolutely no way that I can afford to print up an 80page zine and give it away. Not a chance in hell.

I mean, one reason is the cost of printing. And also the cost of putting the thing together in the first place. By that I mean the cost of buying the stuff that gets reviewed. Y’know, when I started this zine, I didn’t want to be seen to take freebies. Didn’t want to be seen to be freeloading on something. But, well, if this thing is to continue, then it needs the content. That means reviews. And if I don’t get stuff, then I have to buy it. I can’t afford to keep buying the stuff I have and that little problem could well lead to the end of the zine. I get highly pissed off that some labels and companies and whatever get selective. They send maybe one review album in five that they release. Or promise to send something then never do. Or they want to know why you don’t want to interview X. I mean, this may seem like a begging letter now but it ain’t. If I don’t get sent something, then unless it’s something I really want to buy, it ain’t going to get reviewed. I think I do fair reviews. They’re pretty detailed, no 2 line crap. I think I deserve review material. But some don’t. Some labels have steadfastly refused to even acknowledge the copies of the zines that I’ve sent them. Ah well fuck it. Like I said, I didn’t set this thing off to get freebies. But if it’s to continue, well I can’t really afford to keep buying. I know that means shit to the labels and companies. They don’t actually give a fuck if this zine disappears. I make no difference to them. The only time I make a difference is when they want to know if I’ll do an interview with one of their bands, so that they’re seen to be doing their job. At least seen to be doing it by the band. Sorry, that’s just the way it is. If they disagree with that, well prove it. Tell me to my face that what I do matters. Nah, thought not.

The thesis has struggled onwards towards some kind of conclusion, whether I like it or not, be it good or bad, in September. So next time I’ll be on about that. Count on it. Work contract got renewed until the end of the year, so at least things will continue till then. Course there’s the worry that I may have to get a real job then, which I fear will spell the end of the zine irrespective of whether I get enough material to be able to afford to continue with it. So then, at the same time that you’re thinking you don’t know how or if the zine can carry on like this, you’re also thinking, well, I’d like to make a living from this. Not get rich, just be able to make a living doing this sort of thing. Set up a label maybe, promote gigs, make money off the writing. But of course, that would mean dealing with even more of the bullshit attitudes that exist that I was referring to a minute ago. The ones that get you down and make you think of jacking it in. Life, it’s a great paradox ain’t it?

Then, during the making of this, I reached the grand old age of 29. Weird time. Suddenly I realise that I’ve lived 10 years more than my brother did, and it’s been as long since he died as it was we were alive together. I’m over half the age the old man was when he died. They’re kind of sobering thoughts. You suddenly start thinking what have you done in life. What have you achieved. 30 next year. And there’s like this feeling that society dictates that suddenly I should be getting mature. Growing out of this stuff. Calming down. And it’s just not like that. I’m getting more into it. Sure, I can expect the hair to start thinning even more, though I don’t want it to. I wanna keep my long hair, even if people think I look stupid. The half hearted attempts at dieting or toning up get ever less fruitful. You feel even more like an old man at gigs, and that maybe you shouldn’t actually be here, and should leave it to the youngsters. And you also think, "fuck all that, it’s what I want to do." You do think it would be nice to find someone again that actually cared about you and liked you for who you are. Then you look round and realise that any of the people that you want to do that for you are either with boyfriends, moving in with boyfriends or getting bleeding married. And so it feels lonely, which in it’s turn feeds on those other fears and realisations. It feels like a lot of things and opportunities in life are disappearing.

Now, this may all read as totally self indulgent whining. Yeah, I know, you don’t expect anything different of me. But there’s a point to it somewhere. I wish I’d started this thing earlier in my life. I wish I’d got more involved with music and maybe forged something in it. I wish I’d told some people how great they were, or how gorgeous they were or are instead of worrying about their reaction, whether they’d vomit or hit me. I wish I’d kind of gone with what I loved instead of what I was maybe seen to be good at and was considered sensible. I mean, I enjoy the work I do now. I just don’t know if it will be there for me as much as I want it to be. If it isn’t, then I maybe get forced into something that I don’t really want, the knock on effect of which is losing something I enjoy and helps motivate me, IE this zine. It’s a reason why I do whinge in this zine. It’s meant to say, "hey, if there’s something you mean to do, then do it." If you’ve ever thought, "should I start a zine". Yes, you should. Or, "should I start a band." Yes, you should. "Should I tell that person how I feel." Yes, you should. Do what you want. Follow it through. Life is amazing even when it’s shit and feels like it’s dragging you through the gutter. And you only get one stab at it. And if you’re not careful, you reach a point where suddenly you started wondering what they Hell you’ve done with it and achieved. And then you end up writing stuff like this. And you think, "fuck, I’ve turned into Dave." And that mate, is something you really don’t want to do.

Enjoy your stay. Then get out there and do what you want. Meanwhile I’ll try and think of something else to whinge about next time. Don’t hold yer breath though, it’ll probably be the same old shit.