I think itís time to explain something. Itís a little rant Iíve been thinking about for a while, but some actions this issue have prompted itís inclusion. Really dumb sayings. Now, understand this. This is a pet hate of mine. One of those things that would be going into the room if I was doing a Room 101 show. Along with musicals. And people. But thatís a different story.

So yeah, this appeals to my sense of logic and humour. Itís not malicious. Take offence and you may as well try and borrow a life at the same time as your nicking the fence (yeah, I know Iíve done that one before, but comedy isnít my strong point. And donít even think of saying "yeah, I noticed". Cheeky monkey.) So I have this thing where I like to interpret things literally. Which results in me seeing some phrases as just dumb. Somewhere I labelled them "Crass Americanisms." Itís like this, America sometimes (rightly) takes the piss out of the way us Brits talk. Youíve all seen it. And take the piss out of some of our phrases and whatever. Well it goes both ways - remember itís taking the piss, donít be sooooo serious.

I think it started with the word dude. My god if ever there was a word to annoy. There was a great song by Skatterbrain - "Donít Call Me Dude". Itís lyrics included :

Well today I leave the psycho ward Cause my sentence did conclude:

I had killed a man with my bare hands, because he called me dude.

I heard the word dude and I became unglued.

Slowly I turned. Step by step. Inch by Inch

And I put my hands around his neck and I squeezed....

DONTí CALL ME DUDE.

 

So that was kind of my influence. Along with the fact that I grew up in a small town in Wales. Sheltered. There was no trouble. No gangstas. It wasnít a ghetto. Itís why I will never be able to identify with people who really DID grow up in ghettos, or with gangs, or with drugs, or with friends being shot in the streets. I never experienced it. And itís serious stuff. Which is why I really hate it when people in the UK try to copy these things. I mean, if you werenít abused how can you possibly identify with it? Itís an insult to those who were. No, I was never abused. I can be miserable. I can be a sour faced grout, but I canít identify with songs about abuse even if the "song" is a great one. Ok, the place I grew up has gotten worse, but I mean, itís still not America. So when people imitate and use stupid phrases, I laugh. I sometimes call it Crass Americanism. Itís not anti-american, how can I be, Iím more often than not in a Sick of it All, Human Waste Project, Neurosis, System of a Down or Dead Kennedys top. American bands. Itís not even serious. Itís my sense of humour and sarcasm. I shouldnít even have to explain it to anyone.

 

I mean, phrases.

Whatís up or wassup - here, take my hand. Look at the sky or ceiling. Thatís up. Look at the floor. Thatís down. Next!

In the house - as you may have seen itís a pet one. Maybe it sounds good in the States, but when British people say, I just laugh. You canít do it. Itís stupid. Itís a silly phrase. And we just donít have the accent to pull it off. So when I hear others say it in a particular area of the country, my mind imagines how it sounds in that areas accent. And to me it sounds stupid.

Da Bomb - what someones got some explosives on them? No? In that case, itís not a fucking bomb then is it?

This band is about to blow up - shit, the bloke with da bomb is back. Let me out of this place then please. I donít want to die. Is the band about to shatter into a million fragments? huh? Not seen any do it yet, even the ones that moved on from "about" to "blown up". In that case, theyíre not about to blow up!!!! See a pattern here?

Phat - Oh come one now youíre just getting stupid for the sake of being stupid. Phat, phat phattity phat. Go on a fucking diet then. Sorry, that should be "phucking" Stop eating all those phís. Phat. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Down with me - what, we just hit the floor or something? Why, is that bomb about to blow up and cover us all with phat?

Fuck shit up - look, whatever physical activities you wish to do with your own excrement is your business, but I really do not want to know about it.

Damn skippy - Huh? I donít skip! And it reminds me of some kiddies programme about a bloody dolphin or something like that. Or tunafish. No sorry, itís a kangaroo ainít it. Skippy the kangaroo, Flipper the dolphin. Oh, and Skipjack tunafish.

Kick ass - you do? Whereís the bloody donkey then? Iíve never seen a band kick ass. Iíve not even seen a band kick an arse. Leave the poor animals alone people. What have they done to you?

Collectives and posses - yeah, that really marks you down as being something different.

 

Gestures - that bloody pointy finger gangsta thing. Bollocks man. You are not a gangsta. Youíre not proving anything by doing it. East 17 werenít gangstas, they just looked stupid. So do you.

Back packs and wallet chains - Iíve already devoted more than enough space to these incomprehensible items of fashion accessory. And guys, Iíve still not figured what the hell it is you all carry in those bloody backpacks. Iím still convinced it must be a blow-up doll.

So if you take offence by my reference to Crass Americanisms, well thatís your problem. Donít be so serious, itís just my so called "sense of humour".