One Minute Silence - You Must Be Bloody Joking

Well, we’re in Dudley tonight. Say hello to JBs. It’s my first time here. Or second. I can’t remember which. No, I think it may be the second time. The Tura Satana gig must’ve been before this one. Anyway, whichever it is, we’re still in Dudley, and Pitchshifter are cruising through another great slice of their latest album when suddenly a hand descends upon the shoulder “alright mate. You’re interviewing One Minute Silence after the gig.” The hand belongs to Andy, who once more has undertaken the task of arranging an interview for me. Didn’t actually tell me he was going to, but there you go.

So, after the gig, we descend to the room downstairs which seems to have pool tables, couches, seats. That sort of stuff. All of OMS have joined us. As have way too many people to witness a Dave interview into the bargain. Shit. So now people are going to see how shite I am at this. So, we have Andy, Vicky, Liam, Zoe, Tony (I think), Ash (possibly) and others (maybe) who I don’t know.

Yap - Vocals

Glen - Bass

Eddie - Drums

Chris - Guitar

Pressure? Wassa then?

You just know when things are going to be difficult. Yap (vocals) - you’ll get to know him soon enough, sees that I am a bit nervous, and offers to do the interview in some quieter place. But no, we’ll go with this. It’s a moment which seems to define the man really. As you’ll find out, and indeed may already know, he, and the rest of the band, can be quite outspoken and frank about things. To the point of offending people, well, politically correct people at least. But, and here’s the key, you sometimes have to look a little deeper. For all the seriousness of the album, live there’s a sense of pure fun and enjoyment. And for all the fun, enjoyment, and potentially offensive stuff said in the interviews, if you watch closely when they’re talking, and read carefully when you’re er, reading, there are moments when the honesty and genuine sincerity behind things shine through, and the distinction between serious and fun stands out. They know the lines to cross. Hopefully, as you read on, you’ll understand and see them more for yourself. Just remember to think first, judge later.

For effect, read this interview in an Irish accent, at about 70mph, without a pause for breath. It really does help. Trust me. Honest.

But things immediately take a turn down the road signposted “you don’t want to go here”. The response from Glen (bass) to my first question regarding the album title and significance of the artwork is lost, as, following other previous mishaps, I check the tape to see everything’s fine, and, well it’s not. So Yap does a quick recount. Well quick for him as it turns out...

It’s basically saying that every nationality, race, colour, sex whatever, y’know, Germany’s not the only place that can have a dictator, even Ireland, America, given the power and opportunity, anyone can come along and dictate. And at the same time, anyone can become a humanitarian. Racism is not restricted to any one area, there’s good and bad in every walk of life. Colour, race, sex is nothing to do with that, there’s good and bad everywhere. That’s the bottom line.

The album itself comes with possibly the most comprehensive set of lyrics I’ve seen in a long time, covering all sets of issues. Do you think that music is a good medium for delivering messages, or are you more tempted to go for a sloganeering approach?

Definitetly metal is the best music for delivering this form of message. I mean, everyone feels the same, I think anyone with a good heart and who is in anyway compassionate about things like I am like the planet and racism, homelessness and so on, I have a platform to air my views and I think the best way to deliver them, an angriness if you like, is with metal music. And I think metal music is soul music, and the soul is about emotions. Like blues is about someone pissed off at love as an emotion. And anger is an emotion and so it’s soul music, like if you’re angry and pissed off at something you just scream. And metal is aggressive music so it’s the best medium I think for our delivery.

I mean, we’re not going to enlighten anybody, there’s no revelations here. There’s nothing to profound but the thing is, I think everyone can relate to this. I’m not preaching to people, it’s my perception of things. I’m no different to anybody else, I mean, Eddie thinks the same as I do. It’s just that he’s behind the drumkit and I’m behind the microphone. This is how I see things and how confused I am. It’s basically screaming for answers rather than answering questions.

Yeah, I was going to say, a lot of the lyrics in the there, and this is the same with a lot of bands, sort of point out the problems but don’t provide any insight to the solutions. Do you know of any?

We haven’t got the solutions, is the honest answer from Chris. Well, we do, and it’s get a dictator and give them ultimate power, and get rid of all the shit.

That’s the German coming out in him, laughs Yap. No seriously, that’s the only way it’s going to work Chris insists. You give someone ultimate power who has a good heart and then they’ll get on with the job. That’s the only way it’ll happen. Cos democracy’s shit, communism doesn’t work.

But does power and a good heart go together?

The trouble with the planet is this hippy dippy lovey dovey flower power thing was nice, but it doesn’t work. You can’t fucking fight scum with flowers. If someone comes at you with a baseball bat and you turn the other cheek, you’re in hospital on a drip for six months. I ain’t turning the other cheek for nobody. I ain’t attacking nobody, I’m not advocating violence, but anyone comes at me with a baseball bat, it’s going right up their fucking arse. And then I’ll break his two cheeks, and then I’ll say “now, run along. Or crawl”. The thing is, I’ve never done time, and I’m proud of that. A lot of bands now there’s a glorifying of use of weapons and sticking a bottle in someone’s face, and it’s credible to have done time in jail, like “oh I’ve done a five stretch”. Anyone who does a days stretch is a fucking moron. End of fucking story. Anyone sticks a bottle in another mans face is a fucking moron. End of story. Anyone who rapes a woman or abuses a kid. Fucking morons. The thing is, fuck this “love thy fucking neighbour”. Fuck em. Cut your fucking wrist and get off the planet. Simple as that. There’s no room for shitheads. It’s get along, or get off. I respect people, and I think the different cultures and beliefs we have is beautiful, but there’s some fuckers who want to impose their will on everybody else. And you scream and whatever, but as soon as you try and physically impose something on somebody, then you’re fucking shit. The nice thing about life is that a razor blade doesn’t cost anything. Cut your jugular vein.

Food for thought the next time you read an interview with the band which merely tries to portray the sexual antics of the band, or Glen in particular. There’s more to them than that, though we’ll get there, don’t worry about that. But Yap has had a minor breath of air and is still going, so we should get back to him.

Like Pol Pot (Infamous Cambodian dictator who just died shortly before this interview. Check out the Dead Kennedys “Holiday in Cambodia”). Fucking delighted that he died. And I hope that he died of cancer of the fucking stomach. He’s a piece of shit. I’m glad he’s gone. And you know, I wish we lived on a nice fucking planet, but we don’t and you’ve got to respect people. The unfortunate thing is, I don’t look for trouble, but sometimes trouble comes your way, and I believe in fear breedsfear, hate breeds hate and bottles in peoples face will bleed. And I’ve never used a bottle and never will, but it’s a sad state of affairs when I think of the people these days who look for trouble. And I ain’t going to stand there and go peace man, and lovey dovey flower power, fuck that, I’d bang his face off the nearest stone and no remorse. He can die in front of me and I’ll piss all over him, cos he’s scum and that’s the way it is. And like I’ve said, I’ve never ever ever hit anybody, I’m not a violent person. I know people will go “sure yeah” but I’ve never hit anybody and I’ve never been in trouble with the law and I don’t ever intend to. People may think I’m a big intimidating frontman. I’m not. I’m an ordinary guy and I’ve a lot of fucking problems like everybody else. We may come across as a violent band, and we love the energy in the mosh pit, and we love people jumping around but we don’t want them to kill each other. It’s not fun. I may encourage people to come up and bite my face on stage, but I don’t want any fucking bites y’know.

I think the moshpit is a great way to vent your frustration. And I think that everybody that comes here, at a subconscious level is angry, boys will be boys, they’ll push each other over, and then pick each other up. And I think you can see the good side in humans and the bad side.

Finally someone else manages to get a word in, no mean feat. Glen gives his view.

It’s the only kind of music where you can bang each other and you help each other out. You know, like they’re killing each other throughout the song, and then between the songs they’re like best friends y’know. The thing is, like Yap said before, we’re not preaching or anything. Like he said, we have a platform to say something positive. At the end of the day if you don’t really care about the lyrics, and just care about the music, just come along and enjoy yourselves. We like to entertain. If you like the lyrics and pay attention to them and if it makes you a better person, then that’s a bonus. That’s why Barry is writing these lyrics. At the end of the day, I don’t give a shit about the lyrics. I share the same views as him, but I didn’t focus on his lyrics until a couple of weeks ago when we had the CD prints, and that was the first time I’d read the lyrics. And I thought “fucking hell, they’re really good lyrics”.

At the end of the day, reckons Chris, we write really aggressive music, and it’s like Ozzy gave a really good example, he said, it’s not going to work with lyrics of “my mary jane” (sung in a beautifully lilting manner!). You’re going to sing about something that’s aggressive and you’re interested in. No-ones going to get converted. If anyone ever does it’s a fucking miracle. You have to sing about something you’re actually interested in.

I’m not an educated guy, I left school at an early age which I regret in some ways, but lifes an education. Eddie’s an extremely educated guy wawwwww. (or something like that, comic timing, it just doesn’t cross over into words like this. At least not when I’m typing). He’s a retard with an IQ of 3.

Now I can’t remember what happened next, but the tape squeaks, I can’t make out the words and suddenly we’re onto the subject of Oasis. Like I said, you know when it’s one of THOSE interviews ....

I know we take the piss out of all those Indie and Oasis fans. That’s a joke. They like their shit and we like ours yeah, and the thing is we’re trying to get all the Oasis fans down into the pit so that the metal fans can fucking kill them. We go down to the Camden Palace and one of them got knocked out and we’re like “too bad, the metal fans are the best”. But when it comes to shit like Mark Morrison. He’s trying to be a fucking gangster. He grew up in fucking Leicester. He’s not from LA. Fucking mong Morrison. Return of the mong. That’s why I wrote South Central. There’s so many rap bands living in South Cental LA. They’re giving me 400 years, and believe me I know what happened to black people and the fucking oppression should never have happened. And they’re still being treated like shit. That’s completely wrong. But I know what prejudice is like in Ireland. Being Irish over here in England, Paddy is a derogatory term for an Irishman just like nigger is for a blackman. But all these black men are giving me 400 years. And I’m thinking 400 years of what. You give me South Central LA, and I’ll give you South Central Tipperary. I’ll give you 800 years of fucking oppression. And it’s like me going to an Englishman “hey fuck you, you oppressed me.” No he didn’t. It’s absurd. No one oppressed me, and so basically, he can fuck off and die. The Jews can shout about their South Central if they want. Everyone can shout. But get off the page. Move on or fuck off.

Question No 2? says Yap amidst the general laughter.

Ah yes. The interview’s only been going about 15 minutes already. One thing you soon realise is that any kind of structure you had planned for an interview goes out the window. Just throw away those questions and let the guys get on with it. Which is what I think I’ve probably just done. Yap is back.

You were going on about Mark Morrison. But isn’t he just a by product of the MTV generation and just being fed what they want you to believe, with this gangster stuff and whatever.

It’s just advertising isn’t it. It’s making certain things cool and certain things hip. And if advertising companies are going to put out this idea of being from the hood making you all hard and therefore respected, then people are going to tune into that and go “yeah, I’m hard and I carry a gun as well”. I think it’s more to do with Hollywood and advertising companies than it is a cultural thing.

I mean we’ve been obviously influenced by American music. Metal came from England, Rap from America, and the two fused together is the best fusion ever. The thing is, when I talked to a producer I was like “do not make me sound American cos I’m not, I’m Irish” and I don’t sing about posse’s and gangs and hanging in the hood. I’m not from the hood. I had a good childhood. But for telling it like it is in America, Ice-T. I love the man. There’s a lot of good rappers highlighting what’s happening to those people, and I think that’s great. But what we hate is the pretentiousness, people trying to be from where they’re not. Must you be so insecure? You silly little man Mr Morrison.

Why don’t you just die Morrison.

Yap is not Morrison’s greatest fan.

Fucking pigs, I hate the pigs, but they should beat the shit out of him in the cell. Just put me under cover. I’m going to track him down and fuck him in the mouth. claims Yap to group laughter. I think that’s a bit extreme reckons Chris. Fuck him.

I’m sorry Mark lies Yap. At least, I think he’s lying.

We don’t want to put down any other artists, and we’re not here to disrespect other bands, except Billy Ray fucking Cyrus. Kenny G. I tell you, Billy Ray Cyrus has got a very fucking dodgy neck. These are just on the fun side of it, but we are serious about Morrison. He’s just giving such a lame message to some young teenagers, and then they’re thinking it’s fucking cool. And the thing is, all these people glorify violence and time. The fact is they ain’t doing the time. Ice Cube, he’s never been on the fucking hood. He grew up with a college education. But you got some fucking kids who learned from him, and they’re doing time now. Ice Cube is exploiting the ghettos and the crime. And he’s a college kid. And Ice T who did come from there is the only one who is actually saying to kids to get an education and get out. That’s why we love Ice-T. And check out Bill Hicks. The prophet. The number one. Died in 1994. I would’ve sucked his knob. I’m not gay, but I would’ve sucked the knob Bill.

This is why they call me Yap. Ask us a question like “what’s your favourite colour”. Well it begins ..... blue.

What’s your favourite vegetable then?

I hate vegetables. Superman. I hate vegetarians. They eat all the vegetables which keep the animals fat. Superman comes the slightly tasteless reply from Glen. Though it doesn’t appear to have stopped anyone from killing themselves laughing. But we soon get resurrected. I just said that 5 minutes ago Chris seems genuinely distraught the Glen is getting the laughter for his response. Which just causes more laughter. Look, you interview them and try to keep a straight face. It isn’t easy when you have close on a dozen people laughing like lunatics. Yeah, it was a bit distasteful wasn’t it.

Talking of distasteful. One of the lyrics is “less brain than present day Cobain”. Worried about getting any flack for that?

I don’t give a fuck. Is the matter of fact reply from Yap. The thing is I will never apologise for shit. If I ever offend someone and I know I’m wrong, I will apologise to their face. The thing is this, I love Kurt Cobain, he was a genius. And he was a heroin addict, and that’s very sad to have seen him fuck up on drugs. But, I just think it’s so bad to blow your fucking brains out. There’s kids now with no legs because of mines, there’s kids starving and you can go on and on. And he had 20 million dollars and everything, and he stuck a fucking gun in his mouth. Now he was murdered some people would say, but well, that’s speculation. I don’t know. There’s always conspiracy theories. Maybe an alien killed him, I don’t know.

But it was meant to be taken two ways. “Less brain than present day Cobain”. Well he’s got no brain because he blew it out, so I’m actually talking about other people that have got no brains, it’s just that I say it that way. I wasn’t actually having a go at Kurt. But I think what he done was wrong. But then again, he was a sick man. It’s sad. It’s such a waste something like that it’s difficult not to feel a bit angry at the guy responsible for it.

Some people would claim that the media was responsible for it though.

Fuck off. That’s fucking bullshit. If he didn’t want to do it, he didn’t have to. I’m not going to mention a name here. I heard rumours about a singer in a quite a famous band. And a kid waited outside a venue in the winter for his autograph. And the kid told me this, he said he waited for an hour and a half and asked for his autograph and he went “no, fuck off”. And the kid was like “what the fuck. I want your autograph, I’ve been here for an hour and a half”. And so the guy went “fine” took the paper from his hand and then went “no, fuck you” and handed the kid the paper back. And the kid was like going “I hate the band because of that”. And I’m thinking “damn right”. You should die. You can disappear so quickly, and then you won’t have those kids coming up to you. and if you can’t give someone your name on a piece of paper, get out the fucking business. If anyone in the media doesn’t give a shit about me, that’s fine it’s your opinion and I’m not going to come down on anyone. If you make something up about me, I’ll drop you in it in in front of 2000 people. I don’t give a fuck who you are. I’ll lick arse for nobody. But the thing is, the press are important and you shouldn’t forget the press when you get there. It’s too easy to go “oh we don’t need you now cos we’re famous” and it’s too easy to forget the people who come up to you for an autograph. But then you’re a fucking mong to. But if any of this band forgets, and don’t sign an autograph for somebody, I’ll knock them fucking out, and they’re out the fucking band. And the same goes for me. I mean seriously. You wouldn’t go into your bosses office and say “fuck you” and he’s the guy that pays your wages. And so similarly the people that pays our wages, which is going to be the kid that stands in the front row, it’s going to be the guy that goes into the record shop and buys our album. You’re not going to say fuck you to him, because he’s the guy that pays our wages and the reason we can enjoy our fucking lives.

But you know the problem that’s happening, and the thing that I don’t like about the industry? Everyones going “you can’t say this” or “you can’t say that”. Course I can say it. I want to tour the fucking world, but I’m not going to lick arse for anyone. They’re always saying “well wait ‘til you get there”. I don’t want to get there to knock people and come down on people. I want to meet everyone and be nice to everybody, that’s what life is about. But we’re not going to sit down with the books and learn the most popular questions that might come up. Because that’s all contrived. I say what I say, and if noone likes it, they can all fuck off. Anyone that doesn’t like it, at the company, the management, the media, fans, the whole lot. I’m going to say what I say and if you don’t like it fuck off. But everything I say is positive, even if I offend people.

He’s on a roll now, and a few more fucks follow, to most peoples amusement. It can be quite funny when you see someone who so believes in what they’re saying and becomes so involved.

People are always worried, “what’s he going to say next”. They’re always trying to edit and go, don’t mention rrrrrrr. If they tell us not to mention this, that or the other thing, then it’s going to be on our minds, and we’re going to say that when we may mean something else. It’s just going to happen y’know. Don’t mention rhinocerous’ in the interview. “Fuck look at that rhinocerous”. It’s bollocks, we’re not shutting up. the reason people come to see us is because we’re just being ourselves on the stages. There’s something attractive about that. It’s why people like the Beatles. Ok, they did offend some people, but there were four of them with four different personalities, and they were just being exactly who they wanted to fucking be.

Let me give you an example. Like down at the Camden Palace, it’s an indie club now. But a lot of metal fans come down to see us. And we were trying to incite a riot within the indie fans. You know, going come on down, jump of the barriers and break your neck y’know. And some people took offence to it. “You want people to break their neck”. Course I don’t want them to. Yeah, I wanted to meet them in the pit and a mosh frenzy, and I wanted the indie fans trod all over the place. The thing is, I like metal music and they like indie shite. But the thing is, the Camden Palace wanted to lick arses because they didn’t want to upset the indie fans, and all the metal fans got out of there straight away and are never going back. And they’re going “you’re barred”.

Isn’t that a bit of a risk though these days, to openly admit to being a metal band.

Bollocks. Fuck off comes the collective cry. Metal rules the earth, it always has done. Motorhead haven’t gone away, Metallica haven’t neither have Maiden.

Why is it dangerous to admit it?

Just that these days you can barely find a band that will admit to it, even if it’s fairly obvious from the music. You know that everyone is and always has been a punk band or a hardcore band.

They’re all sticking fucking labels on it. Grunge, gunge, munge. In Germany they’ll call us crossover, or rap metal, rap rock in the states or whatever. We’re a fucking heavy metal band, just like Iron Maiden are. The thing is, the music, if you take the vocals away is metal, and I couldn’t give a shit what you want to call it, crossover or whatever. Like Alice in chains are grunge. Bollocks. Alice In Chains are fucking metal. How can Pearl Jam and Alice in Chains both be fucking grunge when they sound so different, it’s just labelling something in order to sell it. You know why they’ve got these different pigeonholes, it’s because people got scared of calling their bands metal in the early 80s. So they started saying “it’s not metal, its more mmmmnnnnn” (sorry, I can’t spell a high pitched anguished yelp, which is what the bands were called according to Eddie). Grunge came along, and that was fucking metal. Fu Manchu, you’re not a stoner band, you’re a fucking metal band. Fuck off. Breed 77 are a wicked fucking band, Lockdown, Medulla Nocte, Snub, Pulkas. British bands are on their way back again. Here we come America, hold your fucking knob. We’re going to shove metal down your throat. I read this letter in Metal Hammer the other week, and it went, “please change the name of magazine, I’m embarrassed to buy your magazine anymore”. Well fuck off, go and listen to Peter Andre or something.

Well, there was a rumour recently, that Rock City in Nottingham was possibly going to change it’s name to just City, following the recently abolishment of the Friday Rock night in favour of an 80s Lurvvve Shack.

Oh really? Challenge then. All the hard rock fans, the grunge fans, stoner fans, boner, strunge, whatever genre you’re into, come down to a metal show, and try not to like it. And then try not to be proud that you’re really a metal fan. Come out of the closet.

But I think one of the things with being blatantly metal is there’s less chance ...

Bollocks. Fuck chance. The point is that we’re not going to do it to get more coverage in magazines. We’re doing it to become more popular. All we want to do is play music to people. The more people we’re playing it to. It’s like, and I’m sure you used to get the same, my mother she used to tell me “why don’t you cut your hair and wear a shirt and tuck it in. Look at the rest of your friends.” And I’m like, “no, this is me” and just to get an extra couple of people in the crowd, I’m not going to pretend to be something that I’m not. The thing is, we could’ve taken an easier road, we could’ve been a melodic shite rock band, (small impression follows which seems to indicate they took the right path!) writing shitty love songs, and I’m not going to compromise now. I’ve been in this country 11 years looking to get a deal. I want to make it, and I want to make a million quid, and I want to sell a million albums, and tour the whole world. But it’s a fickle business and I can’t guarantee that, but I can guarantee that I’m going to meet a lot of people and have a good laugh. And I’ve given up everything. That’s the thing, you’ve got to put your balls on the line. I’ve got shit money, I lived in squats for years. Chris gave up a 40 grand a year job as an accountant for a music company, he could’ve carried on and had it easy. I’d just like to officially say that I’ve regretted every fucking second of it deadpans Chris.

Andy contributes a question of whether they reckon Blaze has killed Maiden.

The general consensus appears to be that he has, with Bruce being the heart of Maiden. But there is an amount of respect there as Yap points out.

We reviewed the singles for Metal Hammer, and I did say to Metal Hammer that I didn’t feel comfortable reviewing Maiden cos who am I, and they’re legends. But they should’ve split up when Bruce left. Bruce wasn’t Maiden, but it was the whole band.

It’s like with Queen, you couldn’t have any other singer, and it’s the same with Maiden.

The day this interview took place was the day that I discovered that Sepultura’s new singer was called Derrick. This information is passed onto the band.

Derrick! they say to some amount of mirth. We have a theory about this y’know, Life of Agony recently got Whitfield Crane, so we thought Sepultura might have gone for Brett Michaels out of Poison.

And what about Faith No More splitting?

That’s a fucking crying shame. Tragic. One of the best bands, an absolute tragedy. More room for us. Nah nah, it’s a shame. And they took out the guitar solos from metal, which was a really good thing. We took out guitar solos cos Chris can’t play them laughs Yap. The last Faith No More album was the best actually, an awesome album, and it’s such a shame. Good for them to end on a high though.

About this point the batteries run out. So a serious amount of abuse is probably lost. Possibly the Morrison rant in full effect. After toying with the idea of writing stuff, like I would’ve been able to keep up, Vickie gives up the batteries from her camera. So we’re ready to go again, at which point Andy kindly points out that he’d noticed the light on the tape going dim a while back. Cheers for saying before then mate!

Anyway, picking up, it appears that I’ve asked something about Northern Ireland.

Northern Ireland, I think it’s all bullshit on both sides. Nationalism, patriotism, it’s all crap. English flags, Irish flags, American flags, all crap. Dying for flags. None of them people, if God came down and said “the first man to kill their own kid can have Ireland”. Now who’s going to kill their own kid? No-one, they’re going to go and kill other kids instead. I’m not going to go round shouting “give back Ireland”. Shit happened. England oppressed Ireland but we’ve got to move on. It’s not going to end, there’s going to be a lot more blood shed. Fuck history, cos all history is that we just kill each other. It never stops, never peace, and the thing is for a piece of fucking land. Like Bill Hicks said, if my parents fucked in America I’d be be up for America now. It’s all bullshit, it’s not worth dying for. Unfortunately there’s been wrong done to people in the past that has to be put right. But no-one has an answer for it. Any country in the world, I hate nationalism and I hate patriotism. It was drummed into me when I was growing up. And noone can tell me what it’s about. I’ve asked people, cos I want an answer. Going back to being Irish. I’m not Irish, I’m not English either. I’m from Europe. And that’s the way it should be. There should be no divisions or borders. But there is, and as long as there are, people are going to shout. My friends are my friends because of their personality and their characteristics, not because they’re Irish, or because they’re male or female or black and white. There’s arseholes over there, but they’re not arseholes because they’re Irish, or male or female or black or white. They’re arseholes because they’re arseholes. And likewise with English.

There’s a misconception that racism is a colour problem. It’s not. It’s an attitude problem. But we keep calling it a colour problem. Everyone white gets drawn into the picture, everyone black gets drawn into the picture. I address black racism which most bands are afraid to because they’re worried about their careers. You know, we’ve got to addess our racism, but lets not say anything about blacks. And the Germans are worried about it to. There’s black racists, and they’re not racist because they’re black, they’re racist because they’re idiots, just like the white racists. Countries hate countries, cities hate cities, cities hate towns, towns hate towns, street hates street. It’s stupid. I’m from Earth and that’s all I care about. Ram the Irish flag up your arse, and ram the English flag up your arse.

Ok, some maybe less serious stuff now. What did you think of Father Ted then?

Loved him. Respect him. Dermot Morgan is a hero. Fantastic stand up comedian as well, it’s a tragic loss. I hope if he’s in heaven now he’s sitting on the throne.

What about your conservative nature on stage. Motionless. Has anyone ever got injured?

Glen’s fucked his knee up, I’ve busted my head. The thing is, one thing bands have forgotten in the last 10 years, audience buy the ticket, it’s their stage. If there’s 50,000 at a gig and 49,000 want to get onstage, get up. Take my microphone, sing, sing your own fucking song, I don’t mind, you bought the ticket, it’s your show. I get a buzz because people like the music, I’m not going to say “get off our fucking stage”. We’ve had gigs in London where my monitors have been wrecked within 2 minutes, because people got on stage, and I was going “made my fucking night”. And obviously some people want to watch the show as well. Too many bands have forgot where they’re coming from. There’s only one thing, if you get up on the stage, then I’ve got permission to feel you up.

I genuinely don’t want to see people getting hurt. We had someone come up to us at a festival in Portugal. There was a mosh pit with 2000 people, kid came up, his lip was split open, and he was all stitched up. he came up and was like “man, I did that in your mosh pit”, and he was delighted. And he had his battle scars. As long as no-one gets hurt you know so that they need the hospital or something. We say “kill kill”, we don’t mean that. Just wound each other! And then rub each other.

And as much as we love women, and have a good time, no means no. Always respect them. Anyone who hits a woman should kill himself. There’s two types of guy, ones who hit women, and ones who don’t. There’s no such thing as a guy who hits a woman for the first time and brings her roses and flowers and never hits her again. Scumbag.

Andy mentions the Kinder eggs. Apparently I must ask about the Kinder eggs. So, what about the Kinder eggs.

We are so fucking childish basically. We don’t get up to anything illegal, but we go into service stations, or Tescos or whatever, because while we don’t thieve Kinder eggs we break fuck out of them. We smash them up in the shops, Eddie just goes up to the sandwiches and squashes them. And I run around like a little kid encouraging him, cos I cry laughing. I love laughing.

And with that rock’n’roll excess, the tape runs out. They’re still going. At the momentI think it’s to do with Glen’s sexual prowess. I’d hoped the Mark Morrison rant was on the tape, but alas. Still, if you’ve seen them live, you know the general gist of the thing. Yap is delighted at the thought of the, er, treatment, that the man will be receiving every morning on his well earned holiday at the goverments expense.

Well, it’s been a long read. Some of it may have you fuming. “How dare they”. You have to reason and decide. As I said, the impression that I was left with was of a band who do sail close to the wind, but if you get the opportunity to dig below the surface, there are more serious ideas at work.

Oh yeah, and the other impression is that Yap will interrupt his own funeral by popping his head through the coffin and going “just one minute” before launching into yet another tirade.

Ok, a few words from me about this interview in light of my Kerrang! rant. Should I have done an interview so long? After all, part of my gripe with Kerrang! is that certain bands are receiving unwarranted 8 page coverage, whereas others get a paragraph tops. Well yeah, I think I am justified. Because unlike Kerrang! I’m a one man operation who pays for things himself. So I don’t have as much stuff to be able to put in and cover. I get very few freebies at the moment. Maybe that will change. I pay to get into gigs. This all limits what I have to cover. Plus this is all done in my spare time. What stuff I do have I try to cover fairly. I also try to let the bands say something in the interview. If they choose not to, then the interview is short. If they talk, then it’s long. OMS talk. It’s about maybe giving you the chance to get to know them. Sometimes I don’t think of any worthwhile questions, and the interview is boring. Sometimes the bands don’t say much. Sometimes it seems to come together. I try to reflect honestly whichever scenario occurs with the interview.

Also, I write and edit this myself, so ultimately it’s my choice. This isn’t attempting to be some deeply underground ‘zine concerned with only the obscure or one small genre. I want to mix things a bit. Well known with the new. If you like, you can consider this a one man attempt at what I think the mainstream magazines should be like. A mix of known and new, some opinions and trying to inform. Maybe trying to look a little deeper and below the surfact when the opportunity presents itself. If the lack of obscurity outlaws me from ‘zine culture, so be it. It’s just another part of society where I feel an outsider. As I said in the Kerrang! rant, there’s room for ALL styles.