Seems I had a pretty ranty time putting this one together. Enjoy.
What is it with all these dumb Limited Editions at the moment. You know the one. The lets entice the fan to buy it straight away by making it limited edition. Ok, I can accept that, to a degree. But when the limited edition consists of a piece of cardboard surrounding the CD, with a very lightly embossed logo, I mean, come on. Youre taking the piss. Soulfly, Slayer, Fear Factory have all been guilty of this one lately. Probably more, but those are the ones I can think of off the top of me head. Ok, its not the bands fault, but the label. WAKE THE FUCK UP. Stop taking the piss out of people. If youre going to give something which qualifies it as limited and a collectors edition at least make it something worthwhile and with a little bit of a quliaty. Not a piece of fucking cardboard. At least try and act as if you care about the fans instead of laughing at them all the time with your fucked up new ideas. Wankers.
Oh yeah, and fucking CD1 and CD2 with extra snoozoid remixes exclusive to this CD. Rip off. Hear me?? RIP OFF. Everybody knows it, everybody says it, yet still the powers that be persist in this practice. WHY?????????????????
Am I the only one who feels sorry then for all the bands the the music industry tells us are pressurised to come up with 3 extra tracks to fill a single? So to help them out they rule a single can now only have 3 tracks. Oh, so that means they only have to pay for 2 new remixes per single. My heart bleeds. These people make a choice to make a career out of music, because they love it, and because they believe they are good at it. If they cant come up with the songs, well, it makes you think that maybe theyre in the wrong industry. If a salesman cant sell, you begin to think that maybe they should look at doing something else right? I dont play music because I cant. I couldnt write the songs. So I dont do it. (Ok, so I cant write but I still do this, but I dont make a living out of it. Smart assed bastards. Smile, I was taking the piss.) And in case they cant is there a reason to release a single then? Why not just leave it. Its a bit of a bollocks cop out really. We live in a time where the time between albums is longer than its ever been, and now we have to remove the pressure even more by not worrying them into writing new songs. Good to see the industry cares eh? So if it does care, which it bloody well should, when do you reckon theyll introduce a rule which states that labels mustnt rip off the fan. Or that the labels must give a band a fair chance to develop, and not expect instant chart success and dump them if they dont deliver. Give them some of the real security that will really release the pressure that bands feel under to come up with the goods. Its not the writing of songs that pressurises bands, its the insecurity of the industry. This ruling isnt going to alleviate that.
The beginners guide to pissing Dave off at a gig.
Time for some fun. You decide on which is serious.
Wearing a fucking backpack rucksack thing at a gig other than a festival and if youve not got flyers or a fanzine in it to give away.
Partake in the One Song Syndrome
Be of the female persuasion, attractive, think me a sex god, and not tell me.
Place your stupid fucking butt in a place which totally blocks everyones access so that they have to act like on an assault course to get round you.
Be younger than me.
Be better looking than me.
Be taller than me and stand in front of me.
Tell your mate that you fancy his/her/its friend throughout the entire gig when Im in the neighbourhood and have to listen to the shit.
Get on stage for a dive, then act like a t!*t, trying to gain the attention of the band, like theyre going to shake your hand or something and congratulate you on your appearance and have a full blown conversation with you, and then dance like a second t!*t, overstay your welcome and end it with a feeble clambering off of the stage.
Pretend that you are Monsieur Manson, Moreno, or Davis down to the very finest detail.
Whinge from the back of the fucking venue about how shite the band are, how you wish youd never come and that some other band that arent here at the moment are so much better.
Work behind the bar, look at me knowing that Ive been waiting patiently and then not serve me as you move on to the next customer down the other end of the bar who turned up after me.Whats the problem, I dont smile enough or look wonderful enough for you to do your job and serve me? If you want to tell me at 28 that I look too young to drink then fine. My ego would love the boost. But thats not the reason is it!
Work for Kerrang! and claim that you are good, honest, and accurate at your job.
Having a six foot long wallet chain with fuck all on the end of it.
See, Im easy to get on with and very tolerant!
The gig that never was.
Just thought Id share a little tale. Its Wednesday night, and I figured I should be at a gig, cos well like, gig is my middle name. Well its not, but its my story, so Ill add whatever I like in. It was all taking shape. I popped down to Birmingham last night to see the Vandals, and was going back tonight to see a couple of bands. One of them, Spine, had been recommended by some friends. So anyway, off I trundled. Sun setting, wind blowing in the hair, and the Bad Brains Rock For Light causing mayhem on the stereo.
And lo, I did arrive, and there, staring at me looking for all the world like a note saying the gig was cancelled, was a note saying the gig was cancelled due to Spinal illness. Not a part of the plan. Now, I know what youre thinking, and really, if your mother knew shed wash your mouth out with soap. Yep, I couldve rung. Well I did, but no-one answered the phone. So I guessed the gig was on. Bastard. So, back I trundled once more into the even more setting sun. And lo, half way back on the motorway, a thought did strike me. And if youve ever been struck by a thought, then youll know just how painful it can be. Especially when on a motorway. And the thought was, think Dave, resourceful is your middle name. And it was, and with that in mind I thought a-ha, which wasnt a good thing to think. But this was coupled with The Vandals are playing in Derby tonight. Derby is close to Nottingham which is where Im headed back to, they were good last night, so why not stop off in Derby and see The Vandals. Ah, see, ingenuity is my middle name. And even better, I had the recorder tonight, so I could maybe try and con an interview. Result. And so I did head forth towards that land known as Derby. Until I left the motorway, and the main road to Derby said Closed. I think they meant the road not the city, but who knows. Still it was not a part of the plan. But there was a diversion, and so using my powers of deduction, because powers of deduction are my middle names, I followed the diversion. Down some roads to God knows where. And if he did, he wasnt telling me. But eventually, good driving did bring me out in Derby.
And so I parked the car, grabbed a tape, and headed for the Vic. Sold out hour and a half ago mate. Bugger, I was on the way to Birmingham then. Bastard. The only other gig that Ive seen sold out here was Gorilla. Maybe Im just an idiot, which thankfully isnt a middle name. But defeated I head back to Nottingham. I could go and see a battle of the bands, but if you think Im walking into town now you can take that thought and take the proverbial hike.
And the car is making really not very encouraging noises when its in reverse. Makes me think theres a probable, I was going to the gig when .... story in the pipeline.
Just thought you might like a little insight into an evening a la Dave. Well, look, its been a bad night alright! Still, I was impressed that I got from Nottingham to Birmingham and back in time to see the gigs. Even if I never did actually get to see them!
So did you see the Ad in Kerrang! recently for a new features editor? Well, youll be relieved to know that I didnt apply for the job. I mean, how could I continue to slag them off if I did? You may think I should have applied. Not because I would be any good, but sort of a well, you keep criticising, lets see what you can do then. But well, they already know my opinion on them, so Im unlikely to be well received, and to be honest, theyve become so bad, so arent we wonderful recently, that I really dont know that I want to be a part of that. Music is about the music, not about how wonderful the magazines or zines are. And thats how it should be kept. really though, we do need something to rival Kerrang! To remove their monopoly and to show them how bad they really are.