Seems I had a pretty ranty time putting this one together. Enjoy.

What is it with all these dumb “Limited Editions” at the moment. You know the one. The “let’s entice the fan to buy it straight away by making it limited edition.” Ok, I can accept that, to a degree. But when the limited edition consists of a piece of cardboard surrounding the CD, with a very lightly embossed logo, I mean, come on. You’re taking the piss. Soulfly, Slayer, Fear Factory have all been guilty of this one lately. Probably more, but those are the ones I can think of off the top of me head. Ok, it’s not the bands fault, but the label. WAKE THE FUCK UP. Stop taking the piss out of people. If you’re going to give something which qualifies it as “limited” and a “collectors edition” at least make it something worthwhile and with a little bit of a quliaty. Not a piece of fucking cardboard. At least try and act as if you care about the fans instead of laughing at them all the time with your fucked up new ideas. Wankers.

Oh yeah, and fucking CD1 and CD2 with extra snoozoid remixes exclusive to this CD. Rip off. Hear me?? RIP OFF. Everybody knows it, everybody says it, yet still the powers that be persist in this practice. WHY?????????????????

Am I the only one who feels sorry then for all the bands the the music industry tells us are pressurised to come up with 3 extra tracks to fill a single? So to help them out they rule a single can now only have 3 tracks. Oh, so that means they only have to pay for 2 new remixes per single. My heart bleeds. These people make a choice to make a career out of music, because they love it, and because they believe they are good at it. If they can’t come up with the songs, well, it makes you think that maybe they’re in the wrong industry. If a salesman can’t sell, you begin to think that maybe they should look at doing something else right? I don’t play music because I can’t. I couldn’t write the songs. So I don’t do it. (Ok, so I can’t write but I still do this, but I don’t make a living out of it. Smart assed bastards. Smile, I was taking the piss.) And in case they can’t is there a reason to release a single then? Why not just leave it. It’s a bit of a bollocks cop out really. We live in a time where the time between albums is longer than it’s ever been, and now we have to remove the pressure even more by not worrying them into writing new songs. Good to see the industry cares eh? So if it does care, which it bloody well should, when do you reckon they’ll introduce a rule which states that labels mustn’t rip off the fan. Or that the labels must give a band a fair chance to develop, and not expect instant chart success and dump them if they don’t deliver. Give them some of the real security that will really release the pressure that bands feel under to come up with the goods. It’s not the writing of songs that pressurises bands, it’s the insecurity of the industry. This ruling isn’t going to alleviate that.

Wearing a fucking backpack rucksack thing at a gig other than a festival and if you’ve not got flyers or a fanzine in it to give away.

Partake in the One Song Syndrome

Be of the female persuasion, attractive, think me a sex god, and not tell me.

Place your stupid fucking butt in a place which totally blocks everyones access so that they have to act like on an assault course to get round you.

Be younger than me.

Be better looking than me.

Be taller than me and stand in front of me.

Tell your mate that you fancy his/her/its friend throughout the entire gig when I’m in the neighbourhood and have to listen to the shit.

Get on stage for a dive, then act like a t!*t, trying to gain the attention of the band, like they’re going to shake your hand or something and congratulate you on your appearance and have a full blown conversation with you, and then dance like a second t!*t, overstay your welcome and end it with a feeble clambering off of the stage.

Pretend that you are Monsieur Manson, Moreno, or Davis down to the very finest detail.

Whinge from the back of the fucking venue about how shite the band are, how you wish you’d never come and that some other band that aren’t here at the moment are so much better.

Work behind the bar, look at me knowing that I’ve been waiting patiently and then not serve me as you move on to the next customer down the other end of the bar who turned up after me.What’s the problem, I don’t smile enough or look wonderful enough for you to do your job and serve me? If you want to tell me at 28 that I look too young to drink then fine. My ego would love the boost. But that’s not the reason is it!

Work for Kerrang! and claim that you are good, honest, and accurate at your job.

Having a six foot long wallet chain with fuck all on the end of it.

Breathe.

Just thought I’d share a little tale. It’s Wednesday night, and I figured I should be at a gig, cos well like, gig is my middle name. Well it’s not, but it’s my story, so I’ll add whatever I like in. It was all taking shape. I popped down to Birmingham last night to see the Vandals, and was going back tonight to see a couple of bands. One of them, Spine, had been recommended by some friends. So anyway, off I trundled. Sun setting, wind blowing in the hair, and the Bad Brains Rock For Light causing mayhem on the stereo.

And lo, I did arrive, and there, staring at me looking for all the world like a note saying the gig was cancelled, was a note saying the gig was cancelled due to Spinal illness. Not a part of the plan. Now, I know what you’re thinking, and really, if your mother knew she’d wash your mouth out with soap. Yep, I could’ve rung. Well I did, but no-one answered the phone. So I guessed the gig was on. Bastard. So, back I trundled once more into the even more setting sun. And lo, half way back on the motorway, a thought did strike me. And if you’ve ever been struck by a thought, then you’ll know just how painful it can be. Especially when on a motorway. And the thought was, “think Dave, resourceful is your middle name”. And it was, and with that in mind I thought “a-ha”, which wasn’t a good thing to think. But this was coupled with “The Vandals are playing in Derby tonight. Derby is close to Nottingham which is where I’m headed back to, they were good last night, so why not stop off in Derby and see The Vandals.” Ah, see, ingenuity is my middle name. And even better, I had the recorder tonight, so I could maybe try and con an interview. Result. And so I did head forth towards that land known as Derby. Until I left the motorway, and the main road to Derby said “Closed.” I think they meant the road not the city, but who knows. Still it was not a part of the plan. But there was a diversion, and so using my powers of deduction, because powers of deduction are my middle names, I followed the diversion. Down some roads to God knows where. And if he did, he wasn’t telling me. But eventually, good driving did bring me out in Derby.

And so I parked the car, grabbed a tape, and headed for the Vic. “Sold out hour and a half ago mate.” Bugger, I was on the way to Birmingham then. Bastard. The only other gig that I’ve seen sold out here was Gorilla. Maybe I’m just an idiot, which thankfully isn’t a middle name. But defeated I head back to Nottingham. I could go and see a battle of the bands, but if you think I’m walking into town now you can take that thought and take the proverbial hike.

And the car is making really not very encouraging noises when it’s in reverse. Makes me think there’s a probable, “I was going to the gig when ....” story in the pipeline.

Just thought you might like a little insight into an evening a la Dave. Well, look, it’s been a bad night alright! Still, I was impressed that I got from Nottingham to Birmingham and back in time to see the gigs. Even if I never did actually get to see them!

So did you see the Ad in Kerrang! recently for a new features editor? Well, you’ll be relieved to know that I didn’t apply for the job. I mean, how could I continue to slag them off if I did? You may think I should have applied. Not because I would be any good, but sort of a “well, you keep criticising, let’s see what you can do then”. But well, they already know my opinion on them, so I’m unlikely to be well received, and to be honest, they’ve become so bad, so “aren’t we wonderful” recently, that I really don’t know that I want to be a part of that. Music is about the music, not about how wonderful the magazines or zines are. And that’s how it should be kept. really though, we do need something to rival Kerrang! To remove their monopoly and to show them how bad they really are.